My brother and only sibling, Jordan, passed away more than eight years before my wedding day in 2021.
I think about what should have taken place.
If things had gone as planned, Jordan would have been a groomsman and potentially the MC at my reception. He chose me to be both bridesmaid and MC on his special day.
If Jordan could give a speech about his younger sister, he would probably select several entertaining stories from a long list. A few would catch our parents by surprise.
His dry wit would make the guests laugh. But I know Jordan would carefully weigh his words with respect and affection.
No one knows me like my brother did. Our relationship was far from perfect, but it was ours; flawed, matchless, and fun.
More to miss
And there’s more I’m missing out on.
It makes me sad to know there is no continuum of relationship with Jordan as we get older. I can’t ask him for his perspective on major decisions or return the favor. Jordan is always missing from family gatherings and milestone moments that were once a priority for him.
Perspective as a new mom and grieving sister
Now as a mom of a toddler, Jameson, I often think of the sibling(s) my son may have the privilege of growing up with—those not yet born.
I never imagined the sting of jealousy would pierce my heart as I consider the joys and challenges my son will have with his brother or sister.
I long for what Jameson will experience and for what I will never get back.
As I strive to tame the green-eyed monster, I’ve learned to acknowledge my feelings of jealousy without allowing the toxicity to taint my heart.
Despite my own losses, I am committed to cultivating loving and reciprocal relationships between my children. I will encourage them to be fiercely loyal to each other and never take their relationships for granted.
For there is no guarantee that siblings will grow old together.
I may always cry at weddings when I hear siblings share heartfelt tributes. But that’s ok. Tears are a healthy release, wordlessly expressing the ache of missing my brother.
Shirley Thiessen
Grief coach, author, and speaker helping you bring hope to broken, grieving hearts.
